*Very* eventful week, I should say.
This past Tuesday I really learned some things about myself–good things. Since I’m doing this journey on my own and don’t ever intend to stop, it’s really, really difficult to gauge my progress. In the three years or so I’ve had this blog I’ve written about things I’m doing/have done, but Tuesday I got to put it into practice.
Since this past March it’s been heavy on my heart (I know…borrowing from my Baptist roots with that phrase, lol), to get into nonviolence philosophy. Before this year I was aware of it, but it didn’t become my thing until now. Some months ago I found about nonviolence week in my state and contact everyone I knew of influence for help in creating programming for it…and no response. Well, at least nothing I thought would lead anywhere. One person I was able to get a hold of fairly quickly is a city councilman who has made curbing violence his political approach to things. While it disappoints me that his interest has a bit of an agenda, it doesn’t bother me in that he actually pushes the community and city to invoke actual change. Anyway, he called me and I mentioned my plans, and he liked it. A few months go by and I’m not able to garner any support, so I abandon my plans on a temporary basis. Fast forward to about a month ago and he calls me back and says he’s planned an entire summit on addressing gun violence in our city. When he rattled off some of the people he invited to speak, many of them were people I tried contacting before with no response and then some. When he mentioned my pastor who I’d contacted as well to no avail, I was speechless. I mean, completely blown away! He said he wanted to tell me about the event since I gave him the idea, and encouraged me to register for it.
Fast forward to Tuesday.
I go to the event, and after introducing myself he seems disinterested and says my name sounds familiar. I was a bit put off by this because no one ever forgets my name (it’s…different, lol). I didn’t add before that when he contacted me about the event, he was still looking for panelists and I volunteered to be on the panel for my expertise in my job industry. He declined, and even though I was disappointed I was still fine with that since there’s an abundance of perfectly capable professionals in my city that could volunteer as well. Besides, I’m shy. :)
So again, I get there and it’s like I don’t exist. No mention of me or anything. I would have tried to hide or something anyway if I had indeed been mentioned as the person behind it all, lol, but still, I was stunned.
*BUT* (had to put that in caps!)
I also felt another emotion while I was there, the same one I felt when he called to say he used my idea…albeit a tweaked version. :)
I FELT JOY. Not just happiness, but JOY.
In my heart I want nothing more than to see lives change and to spread the gospel. Even though I always say the gospel don’t need no help, if you’re mentally preoccupied with violence in your community it gets really hard to concentrate. I care deeply about both our physical and spiritual hearts.
But again, just joy. It makes me sad that I don’t really have anyone to share progress with, at least on a deeper level, but I’m just so happy that my first inclination on hearing about the summit was to cry. A few short years ago I would have just gotten upset and refuse to participate at all, but it’s not about me.
So…yeah. Very interesting Tuesday for me! It carried over into Wednesday a bit when my pastor mentioned being invited to speak during Bible study, and I was still in awe.
Speaking of Wednesday…
I spoke to the guy from church I saw at the store several weeks ago about starting a cycling team. Now, before anyone rolls their eyes I want to say that I’m being completely genuine–I really do want to ride with others, especially others who look like me. He says he likes the idea so hopefully we’ll find more teammates soon.
I finally finished going through my sexual abuse therapy at the Rape Crisis Center. I can honestly say it’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. My primary goal was to be able to talk about it without completely balking if it were to ever come up. I can honestly say I’m more comfortable with the idea of doing that with those I trust, but the therapy revealed deep, deep scars from my family that actually ran deeper than the abuse itself. One thing I wish for now is that my head and heart would come to an agreement that I’m not damaged goods, and I’m useful for more than just something another person uses for his own gratification. I can’t help but wonder if the reason I’m alone now and have, for the most part, always been single. I still don’t attract anyone in particular except for old men or younger, unsaved men, which led me to seriously consider being “forever alone” as they call it. Even though marriage rates are all over the place there have always been a subset of people who never marry for whatever reason. I don’t think I’m special or except from the possibility of being one of those people for a myriad of reasons, despite really desiring marriage.
Fast forward to today…
I feel so vindicated even though I’m not completely out of the hold just yet. I received a few hundred dollars in the mail today from a settlement related to one of my credit cards. Part of reason for my money troubles was how financial institutions were going about doing business, which, as many of you know, in not usually in the best interest of customers. While I didn’t get everyone I was due back to me, I’m happy that what may look awful about me on paper was/is an error. I still have to fix my past mistakes but this is a start. One of my greatest fears is my future husband being resentful of me because of my debt, which wasn’t acquired out of greed or anything like that. I’m just a girl from the poor working class who fell through the cracks, but a good thing about cracks is you can crawl back out of them. I believe this is my come up. :)