This year is just breezin by!

I’m happy to say I’ve actually accomplished things meaningful to me this year. Those around me tend to be overly proud of and wide-eyed about the profession I’m in, but I’d rather devote myself to making God proud of me and helping others. Not that I can’t do that in some way in the job I do, only that it’s much easier when you have the freedom to do so.

Anyway. :)

I’ll be 27 in almost a month.

I still feel very much like a little kid in most respects, though I’m starting to grow much more as well. One of my biggest prayers to God beginning in high was for Him to give me godly wisdom and to mature me much beyond my years. It’s only from the outside in via comments from others I’m really able to gauge any change, but I still have some work to do. I’m constantly asking God what He’s shaping me for, what is it that’s His will for me life? I ask for dreams with confirmations. More often than not I don’t get a response, but every now and then something in my life shifts into focus and I’m able to see again. I’m just really hoping I’ll be able to see more as the year rolls out…because I’m starting to feel stuck again. :-/ This time, it’s the is the kind of stuck imposed by the Lord Himself in order to strengthen me, meaning I’ll have to glean what I can learn from my situation before moving out of it, but it doesn’t sting no less.

Simply put…I’ve mellowed out about my singleness, though not because I’m any less interested in it. I’m beginning to self-identify as a “forever alone” as those over at Reddit call it. I wouldn’t say my expectations are nonexistent, but certainly fairly close to it. While I can slip into sort of a self-loathing mode about it sometimes I’m much more at ease instead. This is a good thing since I pretty much panicked over being perpetually single when my 25th birthday came around and I still had barely any relationship experience.

That’s still the case. Ah well.

For now I’m going to concentrate on *not* having to need another bookshelf, meaning it’s double time at the library/bookstore for me! :) Even though I know real world experience trumps reading about things any day, for someone like me it’s my best option. I may still revive my efforts to get the help of an older woman at church though…shyness keeps rearing its ugly head though, ugh! Just when I think I have it under wraps, lol.

A few months ago I began to get this nagging feeling that I was in need of some major changes in my life, stat!

I love my church dearly and can’t imagine ever returning to my old one as a regularly attending member, but even with the leaps and bounds I’ve made since I joined my current church in 2010 I needed to iron out some wrinkles in my faith.

One of my biggest issues was allowing a sort of laziness to settle within my spirit. I desperately seek after God, no doubt, but it’s more stop-and-go than it was in my formative years. That’s even including the numbness toward the church I felt following my sexual abuse. The amazing thing about being a Christian who fully accepts the gospel of Jesus Christ is He never lets you go. There were several time I (foolishly!) told Him to let me go, leave me alone so I can figure things out in my heart. I’m sooo glad He ignored me, and I’m likewise glad that my stop-go issue right now doesn’t disqualify me as a child of God buuuuut…it still doesn’t feel very good. Pushing and seeking after Him used to be something I did on a regular basis in some way.

I can’t say thing enough: I looove my current church, but I’m realizing it’s one of the reasons why I’m in need of a jumpstart. Not because of anything they’ve done there–no, not at all–but because of how I’ve responded to the culture. The default atmosphere there is come as you are, which doesn’t mean pajamas for those of you reading. It’s a very evangelism heavy, community friendly church, which means all of the pomp and circumstance I’m used to in the church I grew up in and the churches I’ve visited isn’t welcome there. My problem is I’ve allowed this atmosphere to downgrade my own faith–I’m finding in ways I’m not totally sure how to articulate (sorry!) that coming in jeans, even though they’re nice, and a Christian-themed t-shirt cannot be my church norm anymore. Why? Because it’s my “regular” anyway. Basically, I’m making it ordinary, average, a trip to the grocery store. :(

The nagging feeling came to a head this past week when I couldn’t ignore the tug to go back to using a physical Bible for church again. I’d been using a Bible app on my phone at church, which I believe is 100 percent acceptable. However for me, I just felt I had to make the Word something more than the same device I make my daily to do list in, invite my siblings to IHOP or a trip to the movies, or check to see what’s going on on Twitter or Facebook. I actually own several Bibles but not anything I felt were just right for church use for various reasons. I ended up ordering a really nice one and found a very nice cover for it on top of that.

I’ve also decided to pay closer attention to what I wear to church. I don’t wear anything inappropriate at all, but again, I’ve started treating weekly worship like a trip to the store and I can’t continue to so that any longer. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve had issues in the past with accepting my femininity because I was never affirmed by my father in that area. Sexually speaking I’m attracted to men only, that’s never been issue, but I didn’t know who I truly was/am in Christ. For me getting real also means embracing who I am, which I have no problem with whatsoever! My favorite color is pink for crying out loud! Lol! From here on out my Sunday attire will definitely be on the dressier side most of the time, unless we have a special day that calls for wearing t-shirts and sneakers. I’ve been grappling with what womanhood is to me since I very much still feel I never grew up sometimes, so part of this getting real is understanding I *am* real! :) Don’t worry, I’m confident in who I am, I just have questions every now and then.

So what does this have to do with becoming the right person?

I’m about seven weeks out from my 27th birthday and haven’t been out on a date going on two years. One of my reasons for having a tough time with singlehood is having virtually zero experience with men, not necessarily my age though the clock is kicking. For most of my life post-puberty I’ve wondered what’s wrong with me? Why don’t men like me? Why have I only been good for abuse but nothing more? How can I be better/prettier? Should I just try to just numb myself to being alone? I then realized that though my questions are valid, maybe even typical, I’m focusing on the wrong questions. In becoming the right person, who is essentially someone walking in the will of God and doing their best to be a true Christian or “little Christ”, I’m also required to get real about myself. Unfortunately I don’t have an accountability partner, but the Holy Spirit guides me and He’s telling me to do what I can to keep my mind clear and on Him. I need to do what I can to avoid distraction, even if it means changing up things that aren’t inherently sinful.

I thank the Lord so much for setting me straight once again!

I’m also looking forward to that new Bible. I’m so excited! And for anyone wondering…yes, it’s pink! lol :)

i’ve made a previous post with a similar title…don’t worry, this is a completely different post (and written quickly, so excuse the lack of punctuation more often than usual!).

the last of my single friends was recently engaged and i’m genuinely happy for her. i find engagements, weddings and everything that goes into them very exciting, and on top of that i just love seeing people still dedicating themselves to a commitment much of the world scoffs at.

even with my excitement, i can’t help but also feel a sense of dread. not because im still super single myself per se, but because my married friends tend to dry up interaction and communication with us single folks–and for good reason! while it’s a good reason though, it doesn’t make the isolation feel any better.

while listening to moody radio today i heard the midday program talking about spiritual orphans and immediately recognized myself as someone who fits the description to a “t”. i was listening after coming out of an awesome bible study that i almost didn’t go to out of shame for my…i guess you could call it a situation. we’re going through colossians and got hung up on verse 17 in the first chapter: 17¬†He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. i was praying to God that i heard something to help me and im so glad i went.

anyway, back to the spiritual orphan thing: im realizing¬† more than ever that i never developed healthy habits for emotional attachment. i am not close to my parents at all, and they generally kept their distance from my siblings and i unless it was something to benefit them or discipline, the latter of which could be anything. while im not seeking a lifelong companion to be a parental figure by any means–i was a bona fide husband–i can see why my transformation throughout these few years has been so beneficial. i still don’t have an anchor of a person to talk to, and it hurts, but im glad i can at least understand my hurt better than before.

so yeah…im still by myself. one is the loneliest number.

…low expectations, apparently.

This week I skimmed an article about the key to happiness, and essentially not really expecting too much in the first place seemed to be the answer. In a weird way I agree, but I also know as a Christian, it’s not the case at all.

Growing up I learned in some very devastating ways that having high expectations (or, any expectation at all really) was a simply not good when it came to my father. I stopped seeing him as an emotionally safe person when I was only 7, and the few times I tried to rekindle any sort of emotional attachment it didn’t turn out well. In this case having virtually no expectations from him is working out for the better, but the void of not having that reliability along with never having any of the typical father-daughter lessons instilled in me creates a sort of mental tug-of-war. It’s trading one awry situation for another, even though the current one does feel better most of the time.

On the flip side, I love God and believe His word, but I’m having a really hard time getting a grip on my expectations as a single person. I’ve mentioned this before, but a lot of that has to do with having virtually no experience with men at (almost) 27. I have no interest in comparing struggles and love my sisters in Christ dearly, but I often can’t help feeling pain when I hear they at least have the opportunity to decide if someone is right for them or not. My expectations as a single are virtually nil at this point, but on the rare occasion when I am approached the man has always been a non-believer. Sooo…yeah…I have to nix them almost immediately (for anyone wondering, I haven’t been approached at all this year, was approached once last summer and the year previous a catcall turned into an approach. I’m not kidding when I say rarely!). I’m trying to find materials on being a long-term single, preferably of the variety who are generally relationship-free either voluntarily or involuntarily, but info is scarce! I find a lot of anecdotal information which I do like reading, but nothing researched about us.

It’s like we don’t exist.

Lol. :)

But yeah…my low expectations stance on relationships is only a semi-conscious one in that I do constantly remind myself why. I say “semi” because it’s no doubt ingrained in me from childhood, but at the same time it’s ongoing for me. I’m sitting at my laptop and supposed to be sleeping in a queen bed that only one side gets slept on. I feel like such a “meh” Christian for admitting I feel this way, but I do. One of my main problems is reconciling my reality with the Greatness that is God, which in and of itself sounds pathetic. He does amazing things. He recently gave my brother thousands of dollars cash in order to return to college for his final year, and I almost broke down crying. I expected nothing less, but for myself…I just don’t know. I’m grateful for all that I have though, I truly am. Jesus has my entire heart for forever and plus some, so that will never be an issue, but a girl can still dream about all of her possibilities, right?

Wrong! Exnay on the expectations!! Lol…sorry, I just can’t get over how right yet so, well, not right the article is. Having the kind of joy that only comes with salvation makes this an extra weird topic.

Anyway, I secretly wish I could completely squash any and all expectations I have about having a husband and children one day but I can’t seem to completely shake it. One reason is because of a dream I had 10 years ago…long story…and I don’t know what the other reasons are. At the very least I want to train myself to not develop crushes…emotions are what makes all of this so painful to face. I do know that for whatever reason, God is allowing me to feel this pain for something, and having the consolation that it’s helping me grow does help a bit. Maybe this is my thorn, my way of empathizing with others as I share the Gospel. Sadly, pain is a universal language but I’m glad that being able to speak it can benefit me somewhat.

I still wish it would go away though…

Summer is flying by! Since it’s been so cold it’s felt like fall here for the past two or three weeks, so I’m hoping God gives us a tad bit of mercy with the weather this winter. I don’t eeeever want get a firsthand experience of what -15 degrees feels like ever again, lol.

Aaaanyway. :)

Nothing new here, I’ve been going to the Rape Crisis Center and while incremental, I do feel myself getting better. When I say better, it’s more so in how I respond to and handle the present effects of what happened to me. Unfortunately there’s no way to really make it go away for good, so the next best things is being able to wrap my head around it and get to a point where I can teach others. I have a huge heart for children and if it means protecting them in anyway way I can, then I see no other choice than to tell my story of overcoming.

Aside from all that I feel as though I’ve been hit with another wall of spiritual stagnation lately. The messages at church have touched on this, thankfully, but hearing things then going home to an empty apartment somehow magnifies it. As I get older it seems as though I’m an intrusion on others’ lives, and I’m not sure if that’s spilling over into other areas of my life or vice versa. Another set of friends recently got engaged, meaning I’m the last single person in the college ministry group we used to serve in. I’m always genuinely happy for everyone who gets engaged or has a child, but at the same time it means being cut off or otherwise interacting with them less as they begin their new lives–and as it very well should be. It doesn’t help that I’m only moderately close to everyone, and a few weeks ago I had a fleeting thought that if I ever get married I shouldn’t bother planning a wedding. Thinking on it again, I’m not so sure that would be a bad idea. :-/ I guess I see it as, what makes me so special that I wouldn’t be the last single in my friendships or family. There’s always going to be one or two and quite honestly I don’t think getting upset about it in and of itself is any sort of justice. I’m not happy about it, of course, but I have by no means been bestowed any royal treatment by anyone. I suppose my stagnation has some roots in not really knowing where I’m headed. I love the Lord, that won’t ever change, but I’ve been batting zero in just about everything for as long as I can remember.

*Sigh*

Sometimes I forget this side of me is the one no one sees, but I’m desperately trying to silence within myself almost all of the time. I just come here as a safe space to write (okay, vent…lol), but on the outside I seem like a well-rounded person to everyone. I even had a dream about it some time ago–I dreamed I would come to despise my career while everyone praised me because of it. Before that I dreamed of yearning for the earlier years when I would’ve had a different chance of climbing the ladder, and still coming to despise it. While I still love what I do, I can’t help but think people–namely by family–see dollar signs despite my fairly mediocre salary or they inflate my importance, which is actually minimal at best. It’s sort of like walking a fine line between two worlds that aren’t very true-to-reality in the first place.

All of this sounds more complicated written down than I intended it to. Sorry.

But yeah…a conundrum…that’s me.

So, yesterday I called the local rape crisis center to schedule short term therapy sessions.

Notice the date of the post below and the day I called.

Yeah.

I was pretty much terrified to call the center for a few days. For one, I’ve never verbally affirmed the abuse happened before. In fact for the only person I’ve ever “told”, I literally spelled out a few bits of info. No details, only that something serious happened to me. Thankfully answering machine took the call and now I’m waiting for a call back.

Ugh.

I do want to get better, I really do, but I can’t really say I’m looking forward to the sessions. Everything from being afraid of someone I know seeing me park there to uncovering more memories (I have gaps in memory, NOT a good thing from what I’m reading) is wracking my brain right now.

Buuut…doing hard things is essential for, well, everything. I chose a path that requires me to be open with myself so I can be open with others. I speak to kids, mentor them, but if one of those kids were sick would I knowingly send them to a doctor with a deadly, contagious disease? Of course not! That’s what I’m essentially doing when I fail to acknowledge myself as a (future) overcomer. Someone is going to ask me how to get over something like this one day, and I’d rather have even a little bit of an answer for rather than crumble from shame within.

This dreaded wait it irritating me, lol, but it’s worth it.

*I’ll get to the title of this post in a minute.*

I’ve mostly avoided this topic because as a single person, I didn’t think I had anything to add to the conversation.

I’m talking about sex.

If you’ve read my previous post, one of the guiding factors to creating this blog was because I never learned about boys or sex growing up. Though 100% true, it isn’t the whole picture–I was sexually abused, and because of it I’ve also had to purge my false understanding of male-female relationships as I’ve likewise learned what God has to say about it.

(Note: It’s very hard to write this, so if something doesn’t make sense gon’ head and tell me!).

I’ve never actually had sex before (vaginal, oral or anal; never been fingered); the teen who abused 11-year-old me escalated the molestation from a light caress on the hands or arms, to inappropriately long and touch-feely hugs to forcing me into back rooms to massage, grope and fondle me. This all happened at my childhood church. I left that church when I moved away for college.

I’ve never told anyone about it before, save for this blog post and a program I’ve reached out to to get myself some help. At the time I didn’t think, and still don’t to a certain extent, that anyone would care or listen to me. As a result of the abuse I became suicidal. I also thought that since it didn’t advance to sex I was sort of a lesser victim, if I could even identify myself as such at all. I’m an activist and advocate for domestic violence and other victims of violence and always felt their harrowing stories made mine nothing in comparison. The only problem was I have some of the same anxiety and other issues they do as well. I’ve also encountered others with a similar story as mine and I would never minimize their experience. I had to come to understand the full scope of sexual violence. All of it hurts. It’s like a heavy iron chain holding you in bondage. But I’m not in bondage, I’m free.

If you have Jesus, you’re free too.

Even though I intellectually understand myself as a victim I’m embarrassed by my silence. The first step is getting help, which I’m doing, and hopefully it’ll teach me how to help others with my story. I also want that help to help me with intimacy with my husband and children, should I ever marry. Going back to the title of this post, after listening to married folks at church, in my personal reading and listening to Moody radio, sex, among other things, is both the glue and icing that holds marriages together. Marriage has so much depth that great sex alone is no guarantee of a happy marriage, but at the same time when it’s missing or lacking it’s detrimental to an otherwise solid the marriage bond (in fact I recently read an article that found even so-so/average sex is leaps and bounds better than nothing). It’s icing in that an otherwise great marriage is awesome with sexual intimacy, and the glue that’s vital for keeping it going.

In my head, all of this makes perfect sense. Emotionally, I had some work to do but thankfully I’m getting stronger by the day. Being an introvert and not getting hugged much as a child, the sexual abuse just made my aversion to physical touch all the more a problem for me. Now, I still cringe when my pastor says, “If you’re too mean or too stuck up to hug/high five/shake hands with five people…” or whomever, and probably will for a long time. I really don’t want anyone to think I’m mean or stuck up. :( Besides being a trigger for me if I’m sitting next to a man, I sort of have to invite people into my personal space on my own, if that makes any sense. Luckily in my healing I’ve learned I’m actually an extremely affectionate person! :) Who knew? I’m so happy I can accept affection from those I love now without shying away. Having never told anyone about my abuse I probably just seemed like an alien.

So, why this post? In my “becoming” I’m also coming to understand sex a glue and icing for marriage, not as something that causes pain and bondage. I’ve found a couple great Christian resources dealing with sex, namely ChristianNympho.org (ignore the name, lol). Now I don’t read eeeeverything–as a single woman not ALL of it’s necessary, lol–but it’s a great place to start for everyone. Another one I’ll designate for when the going gets tough if I’m ever married is a blog ran by a woman who spent a year never refusing her husband sex. It’s called I Will Never Say No in 2012. As a sexual abuse victim turned survivor, it’s initially extremely difficult to wrap my head around the notion that sex is an actual need and not an option, especially for men. My attacker was a male, and a very troubled one at that, but my husband will certainly not be an attacker and it’s up to me to become emotionally healthy enough to trust, respect and love him as a gift God blessed me to have during my short time here on earth. I’ve noticed an ongoing theme among women who for whatever reason withhold sex from their husbands: many times, it’s because sex isn’t viewed as a need as vital as her own needs, the needs of their children, the needs of the workplace, ect. One of the first things I did this morning after waking up was heat up leftover pizza for breakfast. Why? Because I was hungry. What happens when I don’t eat? I. GET. MEAN. Lol!! So serious, I’m not the most pleasant person when I my stomach gets grumbling, to the point that family members ask if I ate anything if I snap at them or seem disinterested in whatever is going on, hahahahaaa. Seriously though, in getting something to eat I both satisfied a vital need for my body (and, apparently other bodies from my hunger-induced attitude) but also prevented anything unpleasant relating to it. This is all easy to say/write out, but when I marry a top priority is making sure along with other daily needs including sexual intimacy with my husband is included–lest I have to deal with the sexually hungry, emotionally emptied and likely very unpleasant monster (albeit *created* monster) also known as the sex-starved husband. If I’m anything like the average married woman this won’t be easy to do which is why I’m trying to cultivate the mindset of sex as a vital need right now.

With alllll of that said, even though I’m working to get better I won’t truly know the fruits of my labor until I marry and that scares me a little. I pray that the Lord helps me continue being emotionally healthy not only for the sake of my husband and our intimacy, but also in my work as a daughter of the Most High.

It occurred to me yesterday that the Becoming the Right Person blog is now 3-year-old!

:)

Wow…comparing my life three years ago to now, I feel as though I’ve lived an entire lifetime–or seven, lol. Let’s see, I moved about six times, changed jobs three times, reluctantly lived in four cities (between two states), started a nonprofit and sucker punched depression in the throat, POW!. Aaaand that’s just the major stuff! Around this time three years ago I was stuck in the desert both literally and figuratively, wanting to get back to my home city without any sort of inkling as to how that could happen and coming to understanding that I knew nothing about men, relationships or marriage. I never learned about boys or sex, and the idea of marriage was both attractive yet a giant question mark (some may argue that it’s still a giant question mark and that’s quite alright, lol).

For whatever reason, I felt a huge tug to set out to learn everything I had missed out on learning about. I was 23 at the time, and the task seemed extremely daunting–after all, my first real sex talk probably should have occurred maybe 15 years or so prior, complete with additional learning about it. I didn’t see it as such then, but I was embarking on learning years and years worth of lessons on my own, since I neither had a church where I lived in the desert or a married couple to defer to. It was exciting, the bookstore was calling my name everyday, but most of all it was daunting. I was super late to this new world and Facebook reminded me daily about my newly engaged, married and family-building friends, while I was busy reading up on it all without a single suitor in sight.

Fast forward and though much has changed, a lot has not as well. I’ve mostly traded the bookstore (expensive!) for my car radio, which stays on Moody Bible Radio for both nostalgic and learning purposes–I grew up listening to it thanks to a Christian school and Christian babysitter–but the program is chock full of family and marriage oriented material. I don’t agree with all of their programming, but none of what I disagree with is doctrinal in nature so it’s all good! I’ve learned a loooooot, though unfortunately I still don’t have a married couple to bombard with questions. Simply put, I don’t know what I don’t know, so everything seems like a big revelation, lol. Learning is fun though, so I don’t mind. Soon after I returned home (yay!), my church introduced a single’s ministry that I eventually felt a bit lukewarm toward, but it was nice knowing I was at least acknowledged as a person. Facebook is still teeming with newly engaged, married and family-building friends, and I am still very much single. That bothered me more in 2013 than now, which I had to dig deep into my heart to see what the real issue was. I had always wanted to be a fairly young wife and mother, but the closer the clock ticked to my 25th birthday the more suffocating it felt to realize that wasn’t going to happen. Like, not. at. all. Eek. Lol…I shared my feelings in a previous post on this as well, but coupled with the fact that I very rarely date and am not approached, being married and on my way to having mini me’s (or, mini him’s!) is just not something I see happening anytime soon. I am now 26, almost 27, and if were to meet a potential mate today, date for 1.5/2 years, allow a year or so for pre-marital counseling–which I think is far too long but that’s not here or there at the moment, lol–I’d be getting married at 30ish, with juniors likely making their grand entrance to the world around 32. While I would certainly be young in general terms, I think we can all agree that 32ish not a young mother. All of this is also under the assumption that Mr. Guy who approached me was, in fact, someone I could marry. Oy. Talk about a stretch considering my circumstances.

My primary goal now is shifting my perspective on what it means to be the “right person.” I still have a LOT to learn. I don’t necessarily believe everyone who desires marriage will be married, but I still try to share what I’ve learned/been learning with others and my tug to learn all I can may have been for the sole purpose of helping my fellow sisters. When I started the blog I thought my issue was mostly just learning wifely basics like cooking, checking my spiritual fruit to be sure it wasn’t rotten, and the life, and I still believe those things are very important. However something far more important rings true–when you choose to make God the center of your life and consciously decide to make striving for holiness a deliberate effort, you as the “right person” will shine through.¬†Granted, there may be a specific person God says, “Yep, she will do well alright with this guy, their interests match wonderfully,” or something to that effect, we ultimately have our own choices to make and that person only becomes your soul mate once you are one through the covenant of marriage. Ultimately, the “right person” is someone who is consciously aware that being that person is something we strive to be, not arrive at to be swiftly taken off our feet and ride into the distance with Prince Charming. (Side note: the idea of a perfect mate or Prince Charming kind is the biggest turn off ever for me now! I used to want that guy in high school, but I realize now that with my own issues and downright spiritual ugliness within myself I’m working on, pairing my very imperfect self with someone perfect is akin to riding around in a late model Benz with a giant splat of bird poop on the windshield, lol!).

So, what have I learned in year 3? I’m not going backwards which is always a good thing, lol. I’ve learned that when God says He’s got me in His hands, not only is He not letting me go but I can’t even jump out of them if I wanted to. I want Him to be proud of me, I want Him to use me, and I thank Him for showing me I can still work for the kingdom even though I do not have a husband. Come on year 4! Next year at this time I will be 27, going on 28 and it’s so surreal! :) All in all I’m thankful that I even get the opportunity to learn so much truth. God is so good to us.

Edited to add: I still haven’t decided on whether or not I will reveal my identity now or in the future! I prefer anonymity, but I don’t know if I’ll feel that way forever. Stay tuned. :)

If there’s one thing I know how to do well, it’s finding out the hard way how well something doesn’t work.

In my previous post I mentioned a lot of what I’ve learned about being a godly wife crosses by path by accident, and some very much intentional. Of the intentional is a phenomenal blog called Peaceful Wife (and it’s little sister, Peaceful Single Girl), which the creator says is aimed at those with the more domineering personality type. I wouldn’t describe myself as domineering, but she’s really helped me in my understanding of godly submission. Like many young women, I absolutely HATED the concept of submission fed to me by society, the church and my religious school, and for good reason: I was being taught wrong! Not only did learning what true submission is feel natural to me, but it also gave me a glimpse at a sense of how to keep peace in my life. At the same time, I’m increasingly learning to keep God as my source and it’s going to work everyday that reinforces it. Without getting into too many details, I’m disrespected on a regular basis each day when I go in to work. At first it really wore me down, and even now it still hurts, but since I’ve been keeping God as my source of peace I’ve been much happier! Right now during my “ditch experience”, I’ve really been getting a glimpse of what it must feel like for a man to not have a peaceful, respectful wife. For that reason I thank God for where I am because empathy goes a very long way!

The way I approach my relationships with friends and family have changed too–I see everyone as multidimensional, fully capable of making huge mistakes while simultaneously loving the Lord with their entire hearts, and, for the most part, wanting to do what’s right even if it doesn’t always seem like it. It’s not that I never saw any of this before, but again, it’s the empathy behind it that it was difficult to get my head around at times. Learning about how I tick mentally has helped as well, and I thank God for all of the internet sources I’ve been finding since I don’t really have the funds for regular therapist visits. My church offers a lot of courses too, the most influential by far for me being one called Safe People (I’ve written about it on this blog before). I took it since a required one, Grief Recovery, was full and I haven’t regretted it yet!

I think I’ve said before that “becoming the right person” means much more to me now than focusing on being a blessing of a wife to my future husband, even though that’s extremely important to me too. I want more than anything to make God smile and be proud of me.

It’s been several months since my last post. You’ve probably gathered that. :)

I haven’t been on a hiatus per se–in fact I’ve been making my own “mental posts” on this whole becoming thing…simply put, it’s been a whirlwind of a journey. What started with learning the surface-type basics of being a godly wife became so much more in the three years since I started blogging.

I’m still very single.

I’m still rebuilding my finances (slowly…ugh, painstakingly slow).

I’m still stuck at my job.

I’m still…blessed beyond measure…

…and I don’t deserve it at all.

After all these years of being a born-again Chris-follower–He’s had my whole heart for going on 20 years now–I’m still indescribably humbled that He led someone into my life to teach me the Gospel as a young girl. My only explanation for my salvation as a 6/7-year-old girl is that I desperately needed the Holy Spirit’s direction, guidance and education.

Anyway, I’m completely saturated in the learning aspect of becoming a godly wife, of which a good chunk of it isn’t even intentional! I’m both somewhat embarrassed yet grateful I’m sort of being socked over the head with it, lol. Some of it is very intentional, like only listening to Moody Radio, a habit I developed wayyy back in middle school, but a lot of it is just coming across articles, blogs and other materials about it. I pray to God all the time that I just be a wife that’s a blessing to her husband and children.

I pray that all of my wonderful visitors be a blessing to their households too! It’s hard, yo! I’m even debating on whether or not I really want to purchase a television since I haven’t had one since my last major move in 2011. I don’t miss it at all and it would only be for my visitors, so I’ll see, but I’ve found there’s just too much I need to study and learn to be wasting time in front of the television. No, I don’t think it’s inherently evil or anything, lol. It’s just there’s something on me that needs my undivided time.

Mooooving along…now that I’ll soon be an “older single” this year when I turn 27 (not my own words! lol), I’ll try to post much more often. I’m very much okay where I am, I’ve even started a non-profit organization for a cause near and dear to my heart, but there’s now a new dynamic to the pressure that’s on me to marry. It’s not a panicky kind of pressure, just one where I realize that’s the only facet of my being anyone really seems to care about anymore. If that comes across in a woe-is-me kinda way, that’s not intentional, I just really want to encourage my fellow sistas out there that no matter how anyone else out there sees you, you’re still a mighty woman of God regardless of your age. As for me, I’m just taking it all in…these past few years have been absolutely nuts for me and I’m sure for you too.

Adieu for now!

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