Human emotions.

They screw up EVERYTHING don’t they?!

My primary issue with my emotions is they let me venture into the realm of expectation, a realm that hasn’t treated me very well for 27 years.

I’m just a few days shy of 27 to give you an idea of the scope of the issue.

I’m talking about my perennial deep sea dive into the abyss known as having a crush. Yes, I’m talking about the bike guy for anyone wondering.

Not only does this one feel different, but there’s the added torture of knowing we have something in common quite literally barely anyone else has. I’m sitting here wanting to call him and ask if he’d like to do said-thing-we-have-in-common but that would be pushy/weird/stalkerish/annoying, ect. The crazy thing is I never gave him a second thought before seeing him out and about with his bike about a month ago. I’ve known him for a couple years and have even been introduced to him, but, nothing in the feels department.

I’m crazy, yup.

Thankfully my crushes always pass on eventually. I’ve gotten used to not being on anyone’s radar, though not necessarily okay with it overall. For women, there’s something in us that wants to connect with someone, a someone who thinks enough of you to actually pursue you for your attention. I have God for that (thanks for holding me down, Dad!) of course, but…human interaction is nice too.

In the meantime I guess I’d just stay busy, like I always do. It’s funny, single women often get flack for being so busy with careers and such, but truthfully I believe we’re so yearning of a family our care has to manifest at somewhere. I guess work and side projects are it.

Anyway, please pray I get over this thing. I’m hoping by Christmas…my emotions tend to tank around the holidays. *sigh*

Ever watch that movie? You should, it’s hilarious. For a quick, not non-spoilerific synopsis, the movie is about a super villain who adopts three girls in order to pull off his latest heist–shrinking and stealing the moon. The story centers on how the girls soften his heart and ultimately make him much more non-villainish.

I know, I know…I can get a tad too deep when it comes to movies but I can’t help it! For whatever reason it popped into my head (need to get the DVD!) and I realized we tend to treat ourselves like the super villain…especially singles.

Over the weekend my church brought back what is essentially a cross between a Bible overview–not quite a study but more like an interactive devotional– and group discussion. Our first lady just released a book and one of the women on the panel noted each chapter began with a quote. The very first quote was about looking at yourself in the mirror. You know, the real you. Even though I didn’t show it on my face, when began discussing it I kind of squirmed on the inside. Even though my viewpoint on what it means to be Becoming the Right Person has done a 180 degree turn, I still find myself zeroing in on the places I’ve failed. For singles especially, we can see ultimately getting hitched as a direct correlation to getting our proverbial ducks in a row despite it being impossible to do so. If it were possible, the gospel wouldn’t be necessary!

Okay, so rewind.

This *doesn’t* mean we aren’t required to do the best be can, no no no. What it does mean is I especially can do a terrible job of giving myself grace. I worry about being a blessing rather than a hindrance to a family that doesn’t exist yet. I worry about anything that could possibly leaving a bad taste in my mystery husband’s mouth. Despicable. That’s Me.

Ugh.

One of the things I love about Hebrew culture is that your name is literally who and what you are. There’s so much significance in a name, and why God outlined Jesus’ name and other attributes well before He was born. A favorite-yet-annoying person of mine in the Bible is Gideon. He was minding his own business when God called him mighty man of valor. He went on to become a war hero, but fell under his own pride and ignorance. What makes him annoying is he could have done an about face and walked in who he was at any given time (though, of course, he would have still had to sort through the consequences of his actions). God never “uncalled” him a mighty man of valor! In the same way while God’s patience is amazing, He can’t none too pleased that I’ve essentially called myself less than in any way. He calls those who follow Him friend, the righteousness of God, servants, ect…Nothing despicable about any of that.

Wow…I can really find a message in anything, lol.

Anyway, that’s my latest task…not being so hard on myself. What’s done is done, and quite frankly if it weren’t for the hard times I don’t know where my maturity would be at this point. Talk about coming a mighty long way! :)

*Very* eventful week, I should say.

This past Tuesday I really learned some things about myself–good things. Since I’m doing this journey on my own and don’t ever intend to stop, it’s really, really difficult to gauge my progress. In the three years or so I’ve had this blog I’ve written about things I’m doing/have done, but Tuesday I got to put it into practice.

Since this past March it’s been heavy on my heart (I know…borrowing from my Baptist roots with that phrase, lol), to get into nonviolence philosophy. Before this year I was aware of it, but it didn’t become my thing until now. Some months ago I found about nonviolence week in my state and contact everyone I knew of influence for help in creating programming for it…and no response. Well, at least nothing I thought would lead anywhere. One person I was able to get a hold of fairly quickly is a city councilman who has made curbing violence his political approach to things. While it disappoints me that his interest has a bit of an agenda, it doesn’t bother me in that he actually pushes the community and city to invoke actual change. Anyway, he called me and I mentioned my plans, and he liked it. A few months go by and I’m not able to garner any support, so I abandon my plans on a temporary basis. Fast forward to about a month ago and he calls me back and says he’s planned an entire summit on addressing gun violence in our city. When he rattled off some of the people he invited to speak, many of them were people I tried contacting before with no response and then some. When he mentioned my pastor who I’d contacted as well to no avail, I was speechless. I mean, completely blown away! He said he wanted to tell me about the event since I gave him the idea, and encouraged me to register for it.

Fast forward to Tuesday.

I go to the event, and after introducing myself he seems disinterested and says my name sounds familiar. I was a bit put off by this because no one ever forgets my name (it’s…different, lol). I didn’t add before that when he contacted me about the event, he was still looking for panelists and I volunteered to be on the panel for my expertise in my job industry. He declined, and even though I was disappointed I was still fine with that since there’s an abundance of perfectly capable professionals in my city that could volunteer as well. Besides, I’m shy. :)

So again, I get there and it’s like I don’t exist. No mention of me or anything. I would have tried to hide or something anyway if I had indeed been mentioned as the person behind it all, lol, but still, I was stunned.

*BUT* (had to put that in caps!)

I also felt another emotion while I was there, the same one I felt when he called to say he used my idea…albeit a tweaked version. :)

I FELT JOY. Not just happiness, but JOY.

In my heart I want nothing more than to see lives change and to spread the gospel. Even though I always say the gospel don’t need no help, if you’re mentally preoccupied with violence in your community it gets really hard to concentrate. I care deeply about both our physical and spiritual hearts.

But again, just joy. It makes me sad that I don’t really have anyone to share progress with, at least on a deeper level, but I’m just so happy that my first inclination on hearing about the summit was to cry. A few short years ago I would have just gotten upset and refuse to participate at all, but it’s not about me.

So…yeah. Very interesting Tuesday for me! It carried over into Wednesday a bit when my pastor mentioned being invited to speak during Bible study, and I was still in awe.

Speaking of Wednesday…

I spoke to the guy from church I saw at the store several weeks ago about starting a cycling team. Now, before anyone rolls their eyes I want to say that I’m being completely genuine–I really do want to ride with others, especially others who look like me. He says he likes the idea so hopefully we’ll find more teammates soon.

…aaaaand Thursday…

I finally finished going through my sexual abuse therapy at the Rape Crisis Center. I can honestly say it’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. My primary goal was to be able to talk about it without completely balking if it were to ever come up. I can honestly say I’m more comfortable with the idea of doing that with those I trust, but the therapy revealed deep, deep scars from my family that actually ran deeper than the abuse itself. One thing I wish for now is that my head and heart would come to an agreement that I’m not damaged goods, and I’m useful for more than just something another person uses for his own gratification. I can’t help but wonder if the reason I’m alone now and have, for the most part, always been single. I still don’t attract anyone in particular except for old men or younger, unsaved men, which led me to seriously consider being “forever alone” as they call it. Even though marriage rates are all over the place there have always been a subset of people who never marry for whatever reason. I don’t think I’m special or except from the possibility of being one of those people for a myriad of reasons, despite really desiring marriage.

Fast forward to today…

I feel so vindicated even though I’m not completely out of the hold just yet. I received a few hundred dollars in the mail today from a settlement related to one of my credit cards. Part of reason for my money troubles was how financial institutions were going about doing business, which, as many of you know, in not usually in the best interest of customers. While I didn’t get everyone I was due back to me, I’m happy that what may look awful about me on paper was/is an error. I still have to fix my past mistakes but this is a start. One of my greatest fears is my future husband being resentful of me because of my debt, which wasn’t acquired out of greed or anything like that. I’m just a girl from the poor working class who fell through the cracks, but a good thing about cracks is you can crawl back out of them. I believe this is my come up. :)

I’ve been back in Ohio for 3 years now, and after a couple short months in Dayton, Ohio, I walked out of my job after another long night on a cool Friday morning, hopped in my car, and didn’t stop until I was home. I even passed my apartment on the way there and didn’t pick up what little I had until around three weeks later.

I was unofficially homeless at that point–I’d been coming to my mother’s house on the weekends and stayed there unannounced (lol). No job, no sense of permanence or peace, no clothes except for the bag I usually packed for the weekends. No money…and my phone was going off nonstop. When I received my last check for one week’s worth of work, I felt a weird mix of relief and despair–how would $400 sustain me? I began trying to come up with ways to make my money stretch as I tried to fix my employment situation.

One week stretched into two…then three. I’d left my job in late November and by mid-December my heart was at a simmer. The funny thing about God is He never lets you go, but He’d done so much for me at that point I didn’t know how to feel now that I had nothing. Christmas was approaching, and even though my family no longer gives gifts (long story!) we decided to head to the mall anyway. While there I heard God say to my heart to tithe out of my last check and I figured, hey, why not? A couple days later I saw a job opening at my current workplace, sent the head boss my resume, she literally called me five minutes later, I interviewed a day later, was offered the job the next day and accepted the job a couple days after that.

A whirlwind, yes.

I walked away from a job with zero prospects in sight, and got a better one with more money and better hours three weeks after. All of the places I’d considered working throughout the years are in the middle of laying off their workers.

I didn’t know at the time that my troubles were still very present, but I’m thankful. Financially I’m still not doing as great as I want to be and things got extremely bad before even getting better, but I couldn’t trade what I’ve learned in three years for any earthly thing. Things even took a turn for the worse at my current job, but it’s helped me become someone God would be proud of, or at least I hope so.

I know I’ve said this time and time again, but when I started this blog I was very shortsighted in my approach, not realizing that Becoming The Right Person had everything to do with eternity. It’s not something we’re to stop doing eventually, but elevating to new places. We’d be absolutely be blown away if God were to reveal to us the very depths of Who He Is. In coming home, He helped me understand who I am which, in turn, helped me grasp the slightest sliver of Who He Is. I tear up just thinking about it, just knowing how undeserving of His grace I am.

I still have several questions over my life, but more than anything I simply want the presence of God. I’m amazed that He allows some of us to back into that desire–I had no idea what I was getting into nearly 20 years ago when I first heard the gospel told in a way my little 7-year-old mind could comprehend. I walked away wondering if I was supposed to feel something, only to become one of my school’s nerdiest Bible students (eschatology was/is my fave!). Even though I have specific desires of my heart, simply having the opportunity to spread the good news of Jesus Christ would suffice. That’s not to say I won’t ever think about what it would be like to have a husband and little ones running around, but with my life feeling as though I’ve been on earth for eons now even though I’m just shy of 27…I guess I could say I just want to see lives changed here on earth and then those same lives continue in the joy of the Lord into eternity.

Even though we’re not in heaven yet I’m so thankful for home–the one Jesus went away to prepare this time. :) Make no mistake, I intend to stay right here on EARTH for quite some time, I’m just so glad He tapped me on the shoulder as a 7-year-old and has never stopped pursuing me since.

Hi again. :)

I’m working on a reading list of books to keep in my personal library long-term, namely general ones since I don’t know anything (re: nothing) about my future husband. I won’t be able to collect those books for the foreseeable future, obviously, but once I get to know him on a deeper level it’s only then I’ll be able to get material that caters to his personal strengths and weaknesses (and mine too as it relates to him and our relationship).

As for the general stuff, I spotted a book called Grace Filled Marriage at church that I plan to get soon. Anything that is specifically geared toward affirming men and husbands is perfect, but the problem is not doubling up content wise and figuring out which authors aren’t too fluffy. I love my Christian brothers and sisters, I truly do, but it seems like over the years a lot of books seem to be carbon copies of one another in terms of content. I may a diamond in the rough sometimes, but not often enough to be very optimistic. :-/ Ugh, loll.

Soooo dear lurkers (yes, I’m talkin to y’all, thanks for visiting!), if they’re are any good titles I should check out please do forward the info! I’m calling this my “long term” list since I plan to get extra copies to give away like I do with some of my other favorites books, and also use to teach my own children should I have any when the time comes for them to choose their own spouses.

Thanks lovelies! :)

My previous post was a few days in the making…and ultimately never posted, haha! Pretend like the date says something more akin to September 20th or so and it’s all good.

Ahem.

So…despite my prophetic dreams, I always have tons of questions and uncertainties that swarm my head. I’m used to running to what seems to make sense, a back and forth between the “logical”, and all it’s done was make me weary. Even though I’m in a tough place I stuck it out and am truly 150 percent grateful for the crash course in character checking. I’m now more concerned with making sure I use grace in all that I do and seeing the beauty in differences (to a point, of course). I don’t think I was a monster or anything like that before, just clueless in a very scary way. I still believe God led me to Him at a very young age because I would have been epically lost without Him, and it was His way of making sure I had at least some sort of guidance. That’s just one personal experience among though, obviously.

One thing that’s been on my mind has been hitting the road again. I’ve even half-heartedly submitted my resume for a position in New York City I have no doubts I would enjoy. Funny thing is, my pastor brings it up every so often and tells all of us wanderers to sit our behinds down. The primary reason I haven’t gone anywhere is God hasn’t released me to do so, and for whatever reason I can’t even get hired anywhere else locally even though I’m very much qualified for the positions. I’m genuinely baffled, so much so that I know it could only be God keeping me put. I came to the realization not too long ago that God is making me strong for something I have no clue about yet, but I’d be lying if I said this here bootcamp for whatever it is is a walk in the park. If I had a towel, I would have tried to throw it in years ago–and to no avail whatsoever. :) God’s sense of humor is limitless. :)

We’ve been going through Colossians for Bible Study and the verse Pastor used today really jerked me into paying more attention (truly a feat, since as a third shifter I’m always dead tired and fighting shut eye when I get there–hope he’s not offended, lol). Anyway, we were in Colossians 2, beginning at verse 20. It really reminded me of how this blog morphed into something entirely different than what I’d set out to do. When I began, I didn’t know the basics of relationships at all and definitely nothing about men. I focused on becoming domestically savvy, which I do continue to do, but didn’t expect the extent of this heart transformation. I’ve said this countless times, but Becoming The Right Person for a man won’t get you anywhere–it’s all about striving to become the “right person” for the Lord. When I finally felt at peace with creating a “list” of what I sought in a husband, the very first thing is a man who is fully committed to Jesus, even more so than me. Why? Because someone who doesn’t want to break Jesus’ heart will do his best to follow His commandments, including the ones set aside for how a husband and wife relate to one another. It’s a walking journey, not a running one, and why I’m so appreciative of learning all I have the past few years at what seems like a snails pace. Any quicker would be super intense!

Soooo…walking it is. Not rushing into what appears right is what best honors God, at least for me. Also I’ve been going back and forth in my head about mentioning this, but since it’s an anonymous blog I don’t see why not–but a day or two after my dream a guy I know from church caught my eye. Now I’ve learned not to venture any further than that since my love life is literally nonexistent and having no expectations works well for me, so I’m filing it in the mental note category. *But* I do admit this time is…interesting. I’ve known of him and was even briefly introduced to him about a year or so ago, but there was nothing there at the time. Even though my church has a lot of singles and engaged folks, I don’t see it as a place with prospects and thus adding to my thoughts on possibly moving again. The night I saw him I’d made a split decision to go to the store to look for a rug (still searching for one, ugh! lol). I parked my car and was making my way inside when he drove past, and we briefly held a gaze before I noticed his bike in the back. I just kept walking and made a beeline for the housewares since it was kind of late and I didn’t want to hear that dreaded 30 minute warning to hurry up. While walking around looking at eeeevrything, and thus killing any plans to keep it quick, I spot him in the same section looking at things (and a couple glances at me I think, but I was avoiding eye contact at this point..yep, I’m weird) but within sight of me. [Insert part where I get annoyed with myself] When I spotted him, I began to feel nervous. Like, REALLY nervous, lol. I don’t know what it is, but something about seeing his bike sort of changed things for me. I may have mentioned it before, but I am an avid cyclist–but a very lonely one too. It’s often kept me from registering for events sometimes out of self-consciousness and embarrassment even for a few reasons. I guess I felt a mix of, “I REALLY need to get to know this guy!” and “It’s nothing, you may have just found a kindred spirit and that’s okay…”. I don’t know what it is really, but I’ve gone from not thinking about unless I see him in passing at church and even then it’s fleeting at best, to…I don’t think I know. I hate crushes because they’ve always taken a lot out of me mentally and have always amounted to nothing, so I won’t quite call it that yet. He certainly has my attention though. I soooo wish I could turn my attention off. Even though I’m more or less okay with my singleness in that I know God has my back, I still falter more than I’d like to. I’d rather feel nothing at all, and that realization makes me sad. I left the store not too soon after I saw him, went home and did some cleaning…and thinking.

I haven’t stopped thinking. I really need to, especially with the holidays approaching.

I think I need more hobbies…yeah, that’s it…

:)

It’s weird, but it’s not.

When I have a prophetic dream they’re always easy to spot because they have 1.) Imagery and symbols that have legitimate biblical and/or personal meaning and, 2.) Make sense in a progressive way and/or has a timeline.

Even though I’m used to have prophetic dreams, I admit they’re still odd to me in a way. I’ve come to see them as the primary way God talks to me, but I guess it’s the constant realization that I’m not worthy of anything in particular that gets me every time. I guess you could say I’m overwhelmed by His grace.

Okay. Moving along.

I had a very symbolism heavy dream, right down to the date I had it. I had this dream the night of Sept. 16/17 (since I’m a graveyard shift worker my days always seem blend together like that), and I was attending a wedding with my group of friends. At first I thought it was one friend’s wedding (the one recently married) and then another wedding of another friend, but after waking up it didn’t make sense for it to be either of them. Anyway, the wedding was supposed to start at 1 p.m., but when I arrived to the church I wasn’t ready! I then began to search throughout the church to find something to wear, all the while coming across rooms that were disheveled, covered in cobwebs and empty, and others that were grand fellowship halls and sanctuaries that also weren’t in use. Along the way I found a black turtleneck, but knew that wouldn’t be acceptable. I then looked down at my watch and saw that it was 1:19 p.m. and panicked! When I looked back up I saw my closet with one of my favorite dresses in it and wanted to wear that, but somehow knew it wouldn’t quite work. At this point my alarm went off and it was another wonderful day (night!) at work.

I’ll backpedal a minute here to the church. It was a similar church to a wedding I recently attended, but knew it wasn’t her getting married even though her ceremony did start at 1 p.m. in real life. I thought it was my recently engaged friend, but knew it was impossible for it to be her wedding too because she’s actually having a very small ceremony with family and scheduled to take place much later in the afternoon.

Some time after waking up I realized the themes of my dreams were 1.) Not being ready, 2.) Progression of time and increasingly more proper attire for the event, and 3.) The number 19, coinciding with the 1:19 p.m. I also realized that both my spiritual and physical birthday were in exactly one month, and both friends have birthdays near mine and had seasons of waiting before their actual marriages. Granted, they kissed a lot of frogs, so to speak, to find their husbands, but had waiting periods nonetheless. This made me wonder if the dream was about my own self getting married.

The number 19 is hugely significant biblically. It symbolizes waiting, and the last year of waiting before a major promise is fulfilled (and, I must add, not necessarily a great promise..it also denoted something bad happening, like Israel being taken captive). Two instances of the use of 20 off the top of my head are Jacob waiting 20 years before he could have both Rachel and Leah, and Samson delivering the Israelites from the Philistines after 20 years.

I used the number 20 since my dream focused on progression of time and increasingly better environments–Joseph was sold by his brothers for 20 pieces of silver and dealt with bad environments until he became pharaoh’s right hand man. Twenty years after being sold to slavery, the famine began and his dreams were vindicated though his brother didn’t visit until the second year. In the dream it appeared I was very close to being ready when the clock struck 1:20 pm. Since I woke up though, I have no idea what I ended up wearing. Ugh…cliffhangers I tell ya!

If there’s a part two, I might write that all out too. It helps making everything much clearer in my head.

This year is just breezin by!

I’m happy to say I’ve actually accomplished things meaningful to me this year. Those around me tend to be overly proud of and wide-eyed about the profession I’m in, but I’d rather devote myself to making God proud of me and helping others. Not that I can’t do that in some way in the job I do, only that it’s much easier when you have the freedom to do so.

Anyway. :)

I’ll be 27 in almost a month.

I still feel very much like a little kid in most respects, though I’m starting to grow much more as well. One of my biggest prayers to God beginning in high was for Him to give me godly wisdom and to mature me much beyond my years. It’s only from the outside in via comments from others I’m really able to gauge any change, but I still have some work to do. I’m constantly asking God what He’s shaping me for, what is it that’s His will for me life? I ask for dreams with confirmations. More often than not I don’t get a response, but every now and then something in my life shifts into focus and I’m able to see again. I’m just really hoping I’ll be able to see more as the year rolls out…because I’m starting to feel stuck again. :-/ This time, it’s the is the kind of stuck imposed by the Lord Himself in order to strengthen me, meaning I’ll have to glean what I can learn from my situation before moving out of it, but it doesn’t sting no less.

Simply put…I’ve mellowed out about my singleness, though not because I’m any less interested in it. I’m beginning to self-identify as a “forever alone” as those over at Reddit call it. I wouldn’t say my expectations are nonexistent, but certainly fairly close to it. While I can slip into sort of a self-loathing mode about it sometimes I’m much more at ease instead. This is a good thing since I pretty much panicked over being perpetually single when my 25th birthday came around and I still had barely any relationship experience.

That’s still the case. Ah well.

For now I’m going to concentrate on *not* having to need another bookshelf, meaning it’s double time at the library/bookstore for me! :) Even though I know real world experience trumps reading about things any day, for someone like me it’s my best option. I may still revive my efforts to get the help of an older woman at church though…shyness keeps rearing its ugly head though, ugh! Just when I think I have it under wraps, lol.

A few months ago I began to get this nagging feeling that I was in need of some major changes in my life, stat!

I love my church dearly and can’t imagine ever returning to my old one as a regularly attending member, but even with the leaps and bounds I’ve made since I joined my current church in 2010 I needed to iron out some wrinkles in my faith.

One of my biggest issues was allowing a sort of laziness to settle within my spirit. I desperately seek after God, no doubt, but it’s more stop-and-go than it was in my formative years. That’s even including the numbness toward the church I felt following my sexual abuse. The amazing thing about being a Christian who fully accepts the gospel of Jesus Christ is He never lets you go. There were several time I (foolishly!) told Him to let me go, leave me alone so I can figure things out in my heart. I’m sooo glad He ignored me, and I’m likewise glad that my stop-go issue right now doesn’t disqualify me as a child of God buuuuut…it still doesn’t feel very good. Pushing and seeking after Him used to be something I did on a regular basis in some way.

I can’t say thing enough: I looove my current church, but I’m realizing it’s one of the reasons why I’m in need of a jumpstart. Not because of anything they’ve done there–no, not at all–but because of how I’ve responded to the culture. The default atmosphere there is come as you are, which doesn’t mean pajamas for those of you reading. It’s a very evangelism heavy, community friendly church, which means all of the pomp and circumstance I’m used to in the church I grew up in and the churches I’ve visited isn’t welcome there. My problem is I’ve allowed this atmosphere to downgrade my own faith–I’m finding in ways I’m not totally sure how to articulate (sorry!) that coming in jeans, even though they’re nice, and a Christian-themed t-shirt cannot be my church norm anymore. Why? Because it’s my “regular” anyway. Basically, I’m making it ordinary, average, a trip to the grocery store. :(

The nagging feeling came to a head this past week when I couldn’t ignore the tug to go back to using a physical Bible for church again. I’d been using a Bible app on my phone at church, which I believe is 100 percent acceptable. However for me, I just felt I had to make the Word something more than the same device I make my daily to do list in, invite my siblings to IHOP or a trip to the movies, or check to see what’s going on on Twitter or Facebook. I actually own several Bibles but not anything I felt were just right for church use for various reasons. I ended up ordering a really nice one and found a very nice cover for it on top of that.

I’ve also decided to pay closer attention to what I wear to church. I don’t wear anything inappropriate at all, but again, I’ve started treating weekly worship like a trip to the store and I can’t continue to so that any longer. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve had issues in the past with accepting my femininity because I was never affirmed by my father in that area. Sexually speaking I’m attracted to men only, that’s never been issue, but I didn’t know who I truly was/am in Christ. For me getting real also means embracing who I am, which I have no problem with whatsoever! My favorite color is pink for crying out loud! Lol! From here on out my Sunday attire will definitely be on the dressier side most of the time, unless we have a special day that calls for wearing t-shirts and sneakers. I’ve been grappling with what womanhood is to me since I very much still feel I never grew up sometimes, so part of this getting real is understanding I *am* real! :) Don’t worry, I’m confident in who I am, I just have questions every now and then.

So what does this have to do with becoming the right person?

I’m about seven weeks out from my 27th birthday and haven’t been out on a date going on two years. One of my reasons for having a tough time with singlehood is having virtually zero experience with men, not necessarily my age though the clock is kicking. For most of my life post-puberty I’ve wondered what’s wrong with me? Why don’t men like me? Why have I only been good for abuse but nothing more? How can I be better/prettier? Should I just try to just numb myself to being alone? I then realized that though my questions are valid, maybe even typical, I’m focusing on the wrong questions. In becoming the right person, who is essentially someone walking in the will of God and doing their best to be a true Christian or “little Christ”, I’m also required to get real about myself. Unfortunately I don’t have an accountability partner, but the Holy Spirit guides me and He’s telling me to do what I can to keep my mind clear and on Him. I need to do what I can to avoid distraction, even if it means changing up things that aren’t inherently sinful.

I thank the Lord so much for setting me straight once again!

I’m also looking forward to that new Bible. I’m so excited! And for anyone wondering…yes, it’s pink! lol :)

i’ve made a previous post with a similar title…don’t worry, this is a completely different post (and written quickly, so excuse the lack of punctuation more often than usual!).

the last of my single friends was recently engaged and i’m genuinely happy for her. i find engagements, weddings and everything that goes into them very exciting, and on top of that i just love seeing people still dedicating themselves to a commitment much of the world scoffs at.

even with my excitement, i can’t help but also feel a sense of dread. not because im still super single myself per se, but because my married friends tend to dry up interaction and communication with us single folks–and for good reason! while it’s a good reason though, it doesn’t make the isolation feel any better.

while listening to moody radio today i heard the midday program talking about spiritual orphans and immediately recognized myself as someone who fits the description to a “t”. i was listening after coming out of an awesome bible study that i almost didn’t go to out of shame for my…i guess you could call it a situation. we’re going through colossians and got hung up on verse 17 in the first chapter: 17¬†He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. i was praying to God that i heard something to help me and im so glad i went.

anyway, back to the spiritual orphan thing: im realizing¬† more than ever that i never developed healthy habits for emotional attachment. i am not close to my parents at all, and they generally kept their distance from my siblings and i unless it was something to benefit them or discipline, the latter of which could be anything. while im not seeking a lifelong companion to be a parental figure by any means–i was a bona fide husband–i can see why my transformation throughout these few years has been so beneficial. i still don’t have an anchor of a person to talk to, and it hurts, but im glad i can at least understand my hurt better than before.

so yeah…im still by myself. one is the loneliest number.

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