A few months ago I began to get this nagging feeling that I was in need of some major changes in my life, stat!
I love my church dearly and can’t imagine ever returning to my old one as a regularly attending member, but even with the leaps and bounds I’ve made since I joined my current church in 2010 I needed to iron out some wrinkles in my faith.
One of my biggest issues was allowing a sort of laziness to settle within my spirit. I desperately seek after God, no doubt, but it’s more stop-and-go than it was in my formative years. That’s even including the numbness toward the church I felt following my sexual abuse. The amazing thing about being a Christian who fully accepts the gospel of Jesus Christ is He never lets you go. There were several time I (foolishly!) told Him to let me go, leave me alone so I can figure things out in my heart. I’m sooo glad He ignored me, and I’m likewise glad that my stop-go issue right now doesn’t disqualify me as a child of God buuuuut…it still doesn’t feel very good. Pushing and seeking after Him used to be something I did on a regular basis in some way.
I can’t say thing enough: I looove my current church, but I’m realizing it’s one of the reasons why I’m in need of a jumpstart. Not because of anything they’ve done there–no, not at all–but because of how I’ve responded to the culture. The default atmosphere there is come as you are, which doesn’t mean pajamas for those of you reading. It’s a very evangelism heavy, community friendly church, which means all of the pomp and circumstance I’m used to in the church I grew up in and the churches I’ve visited isn’t welcome there. My problem is I’ve allowed this atmosphere to downgrade my own faith–I’m finding in ways I’m not totally sure how to articulate (sorry!) that coming in jeans, even though they’re nice, and a Christian-themed t-shirt cannot be my church norm anymore. Why? Because it’s my “regular” anyway. Basically, I’m making it ordinary, average, a trip to the grocery store. :(
The nagging feeling came to a head this past week when I couldn’t ignore the tug to go back to using a physical Bible for church again. I’d been using a Bible app on my phone at church, which I believe is 100 percent acceptable. However for me, I just felt I had to make the Word something more than the same device I make my daily to do list in, invite my siblings to IHOP or a trip to the movies, or check to see what’s going on on Twitter or Facebook. I actually own several Bibles but not anything I felt were just right for church use for various reasons. I ended up ordering a really nice one and found a very nice cover for it on top of that.
I’ve also decided to pay closer attention to what I wear to church. I don’t wear anything inappropriate at all, but again, I’ve started treating weekly worship like a trip to the store and I can’t continue to so that any longer. I’ve mentioned before that I’ve had issues in the past with accepting my femininity because I was never affirmed by my father in that area. Sexually speaking I’m attracted to men only, that’s never been issue, but I didn’t know who I truly was/am in Christ. For me getting real also means embracing who I am, which I have no problem with whatsoever! My favorite color is pink for crying out loud! Lol! From here on out my Sunday attire will definitely be on the dressier side most of the time, unless we have a special day that calls for wearing t-shirts and sneakers. I’ve been grappling with what womanhood is to me since I very much still feel I never grew up sometimes, so part of this getting real is understanding I *am* real! :) Don’t worry, I’m confident in who I am, I just have questions every now and then.
So what does this have to do with becoming the right person?
I’m about seven weeks out from my 27th birthday and haven’t been out on a date going on two years. One of my reasons for having a tough time with singlehood is having virtually zero experience with men, not necessarily my age though the clock is kicking. For most of my life post-puberty I’ve wondered what’s wrong with me? Why don’t men like me? Why have I only been good for abuse but nothing more? How can I be better/prettier? Should I just try to just numb myself to being alone? I then realized that though my questions are valid, maybe even typical, I’m focusing on the wrong questions. In becoming the right person, who is essentially someone walking in the will of God and doing their best to be a true Christian or “little Christ”, I’m also required to get real about myself. Unfortunately I don’t have an accountability partner, but the Holy Spirit guides me and He’s telling me to do what I can to keep my mind clear and on Him. I need to do what I can to avoid distraction, even if it means changing up things that aren’t inherently sinful.
I thank the Lord so much for setting me straight once again!
I’m also looking forward to that new Bible. I’m so excited! And for anyone wondering…yes, it’s pink! lol :)